An Unforgiving Disease

I’ve added a rug on the floor of my newly painted office. It’s a multi color shag of greens, white, and grey. It has enough of the green from the walls to make it feel warm and homey. I’ve already spent hours in here, getting inspired and excited to write again. Turning this room into my office is something I had always planned on doing but I didn’t imagine it would be this soon or under these conditions.

Dementia is an unforgiving disease. I’ve watched my mom and seen how this disease has bit by bit taken her away. After a while, I started to let fear gnaw at me to the point of obsession. I didn’t want to put my own family through this. The thought that one day, I would have this disease was so terrifying that I was consumed with the need to find out if I had the gene so I could start meds early that would hold it off. The thought of having Dementia or Alzheimers scared me so that I couldn’t think of anything else.

Then it hit me. I was letting this fear consume me. I was wasting valuable time worrying. The Lord knows every hair on my head (Matthew 10:30). Only He knows when and how I will go home to Him. I needed to trust Him. Worrying was not going to solve anything. So I gave all my fear and worry over to the Lord and let it go.

Two months ago, I also let go that I was responsible for being the one taking care of mom through this. I was so intent on keeping my promise, a promise I made before mom’s dementia, that it was affecting my health and mental well being. It finally hit me that I didn’t have to bear that burden alone. It would be okay to let mom go to an assisted living place where there were caregivers trained to help with this disease. A place that was closer to family, where she would have more visitors. Once we got her settled into an assisted living home, I was able to sit back and take a breath and give myself permission to move on too.

It took me time to get over the feeling of guilt, to take the steps to start making this Bob’s and my home. I can finally take a breath and feel at peace. Painting this room was a big step. Even walking into this room the first time after it was emptied was surreal but I feel God’s peace in all of this. When I stop by to visit mom now, I get a big smile and a big hug. Mom is settled and happy. It feels so good to just be her ‘daughter’ again.

Mom at Meijer Gardens Oct 31, 2022

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